25. Beer: The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.
24. But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder.
23. Dear Lord.. The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here’s the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won’t ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal.
22. Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14% of people know that.
21. Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that Alligator biting that woman’s bottom? That’s right, we all thought it was hilarious. But, it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harrassing that woman.
20. All my life I’ve had one dream, to achieve my many goals.
19. If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can’t speak English.
18. I’m having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!
17. How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
16. Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
15. So, we meet at last, whoever you are.
14. If something’s hard to do, then it’s not worth doing.
13. Well, it’s 1 a.m. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.
12. Homer: [Looking at a globe map...country being Uruguay] Hee hee! Look at this country! ‘You are gay.’
11. Homer: [Meeting Aliens] Please don’t eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
10. Scully: Homer, we’re going to ask you a few simple yes or nquestions. Do you understand? Homer: Yes. (lie dectector blows up)
9. What’s a wedding? Webster’s dictionary describes it as the act of removing weeds from one’s garden.
8. Marge: Homer, the plant called. They said if you don’t show up tomorrow don’t bother showing up on Monday. Homer: Woo-hoo. Four-day weekend.
7. I’m not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I’m going to Hell?
6. I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.
5. I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.
4. Maybe, just once, someone will call me ‘Sir’ without adding, ‘You’re making a scene.’
3. I’m in no condition to drive…wait! I shouldn’t listen to myself, I’m drunk!
2. ‘To Start Press Any Key’. Where’s the ANY key?
1. Operator! Give me the number for 911!