It’s taken a few centuries, but scientists have finally done something useful. They’ve discovered everyday things that are guaranteed to turn on women.

According to actual scientific studies, certain smells, sights, and even sounds can trigger a woman’s sex drive and make you seem more attractive. And it’s not all that hard to create them with everyday stuff. You may have one of these things in your garage (or your Xbox). You probably have a couple in your kitchen. And you assuredly have one in your pants (nope, it’s not what you think).

None of this stuff is as mysterious as pheromones or as complicated as becoming a motorcycle-riding, puppy-rescuing, poetry-writing male model. In fact, harnessing the power of most of these commonplace sensory sex-starters is as easy as reading on. For example, did you know that, according to science, women are turned on by…

As anyone who’s seen the movie Hitch knows, women go for guys who can dance. But it turns out that specific kinds of dance moves — rather than the random spasms you use to spank the planks — have been shown to arouse women more than others. So concentrate on large, varied movements of the neck and trunk, along with rapid movements of the right knee — yes, the right knee. The medical journal Biology Letters confirms that females favor those particular movements, as those areas are where women focus to determine the attractiveness of a dancing male.

The powerful purr of Ferraris and other ridiculously powerful cars have been proven to elevate testosterone levels in women’s saliva, indicating an increase in sexual arousal. Don’t own a Ferrari? You’ve got a few options. You could find a luxury rental car operation, such as Gotham Dream Cars, and sacrifice a month’s salary (or the black market cash equivalent for one of your less popular internal organs) for a few hours of horsepower. Alternatively, buy a $100 set of great speakers and invite her over to play Gran Turismo 5.

No, seriously. Scientists at Northwestern University concluded that heterosexual women become sexually aroused by both male and female erotica. This arousal pattern stems from the fact that the sexual orientation of some women doesn’t necessarily dictate their turn ons. The study also suggests that heterosexual women may be more “flexible” than men when it comes to sexual arousal — meaning they respond to a wider range of sexual stimulants — and that, as a result, the sexual minds of men and women differ significantly. Though they certainly agree about lesbians.

While the ability to telekenetically crush a skeptical general’s larynx is bound to make chicks tingle in the nether regions, the post-pubescent voice of evil Anakin Skywalker is what launches them into hyperspace. A 2007 study by American and Canadian scientists confirmed that men with deep voices are believed to be more dominant, healthier, and masculine than their Beiber-toned brethren. According to a sample of 100 Tanzanian tribesmen and women — with no access to contraceptives, or other influential variables — there is a link between a deep voice and a large family; dudes with deep voices fathered the most children. Case-in-point, the late Barry White, whose timbre helped him father eight children. His poor sons; can you imagine having to seduce women by playing songs sung by your dad?

Sorry, pervert — this phallic vegetable’s power to arouse women has nothing to do with it’s shape — instead, it’s all about the way it smells. The sense of smell is strongly tied to sexual arousal, and the crisp, fresh-with-a-hint-of-sweet-and-bitter smell of cucumbers has been scientifically proven to trigger increased blood flow to a woman’s clitoris*. So, while hiding an actual cucumber in your boxers is ill-advised (she’ll invariably be disappointed come harvest time), you’ve got another reason to give cucumber body wash a fair shot.

* Nope, it’s not a myth.

Women who wear shades of scarlet and crimson are proven to attract more attention from men. Turns out, the reverse is also true — men garbed in red stand a better chance of attracting women. That’s because prolonged viewing of the color causes the body to increase adrenaline secretion and raise blood pressure. Red is also viewed as a dominant color in the wild, indicating power and masculinity, which explains why cardinals and lobsters get all kinds of action.

To signal her readiness to mate, a female rat will arch her back, raise her tail, and stand firm so the male can mount. (We hope to god you didn’t already know that.) Using this ratsex principle, researchers at Rockefeller University isolated the chemical and physical mechanism responsible for the female’s behavior and, long story short, showed a strong connection between sexual arousal and the flow of potassium ions in the brain.

Let those pit faucets flow, because Androstadienone, a chemical compound found in male sweat, boosts hormone levels, increases blood pressure, and raises the rate of breathing in women. Specifically, according to studies conducted at the University of California, Berkeley, male pit sweat has been shown to improve women’s moods and stimulate the secretion of “luteinizing hormone” — a chemical involved in triggering ovulation. So, next time you hit the gym, don’t bother doing laundry — just wring your tank top into a humidifier and prepare to be attacked.

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Funny cartoon of the day

Funny cartoon of the day